Why we should all go to SPC

– I’m done, and so are you.

Pack your bags, seniors, though we won’t be going too far from home. In fact, you only need to bring a backpack. Now tell me, which is your destination of choice: St. Petersburg, Clearwater, or Tarpon Springs?

When I see people applying to 10, 20, 30 colleges and passing around their Common App like a business card – your college application isn’t an application, silly, it’s an intensely personal piece of you. What, would you pass around your other kidney just because with a little cash, you can? – I shake my head in sympathy. These poor, ambitious children. They don’t know.

The truth is that you don’t stand a single chance of getting into college. None of us do, for we are only human, and college applications ask for much, much more. As time has progressed, standards for college admission have and continue to rise with no sign of reaching a plateau, and to accommodate the high standards, scientists have secretly engineered a high-tech invention behind our backs.

It is called the I.V.Y: Intelligent Versatile Youth, a humanoid robot dropped on the doorsteps of households around the country from Harlem to the Hamptons, and it is to be raised akin to one of the parent’s own children. But that’s where the similarities end.

I.V.Yies never cry, never complain, and never sleep in order to achieve maximum efficiency for schoolwork and test cramming. The only emotions they have programmed is a blood-curdling combination of joy, humility, and honesty, with their lips forever locked in an upwards curl.They stack extracurricular activities like a deck of cards, and for each college they apply to an I.V.Y always has the winning hand.

So think twice before spending countless hours taking standardized tests and working your unfortunately human fingers to the bone. University wasn’t meant for you. But I know a place that is: St. Pete College.